| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|10:02 pm] |
OF COURSE YOU FUCKING FORGOT! Arghhh yr the fucking biggest let down and I can't believe I still let this bullshit bring me down. It would be so much easier if you just forgot I existed and stopped acting like you wanted to be in my life, even as just a friend.
AHHH FUCKKKKKKK!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! |
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| damaged goods. |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|03:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | confused & upset | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | sleater-kinney | ] |
OMFG I am soooooo confused right now.
Why do you always do this to me, why do these nights keep happening.
It just tears me up so much each time - I put my life on hold and wait around for you again knowing that it wont fucking happen.
Why can't you just make yr feelings clear instead of leading me on and then ignoring me.
Our stoned convos are great and I wish I could stay in those moments forever, in yr presence, yr arms, whateverrr.
Life was so much easier when I had erased you.
I just need to re-cap and try to understand sunday nights events.
SO we get stoned at daves, things are all normal, sitting round talking shit, then you start getting all in depth and then decide we should go over to the park to party with the bong a bit more. As soon as we leave daves the first thing you bring up is the photo of me you found in yr wallet which you've had since yr11 and kept as "inspiration". I dont even remember this! We get talking about our 3 failed attempts of fucking. Then you tell me about referring to me as tartan because you remember the night I was wearing a tartan skirt and we were about to have sex on some random front lawn, except i had my period. Then I told you I always have my period when Im around you, and on this very night. You told me you didn't mind, you'd still do it anyway. But we keep talking about how awesome it is that we are the male and female versions of each other. Then my boobs are out and you have yr fun. You kiss me quickly and then just hold me for what felt like an eternity. Yr voice turned so serious and you told me that I was yr favourite person ever, no matter what I think. You told me yr so sorry that you fucked up everything between us and you miss hanging out with me and just being around me. I could have cried, but I was so stoned I just smiled and held you tight.
We started walking back and you hugged me from behind and my heart just melted and i knew that there was no way I was over you. Then you undid my bra and just stood there behind me with yr hands on my boobs for like 10 minutes and told me you miss them. Which made me sad because guys are only ever attracted to my boobs, not me and I just didn't want to hear that from you. You kissed my neck, then held my hand and we walked back. We smoke up more and pass out and as usual wake up and pretend nothing ever happened.
That morning routine hurts the most and I can't keep putting myself through that. I know you dont want me, you just want another chick to fuck around with. But I can't be that, not with you. Telling you this will be the worst thing.
Its been five years and after all the pain you put me through, yr still all I want. Im so scared to tell you because I've been through that rejection before and it fucked up a big chunk of my life.
I fucking hate you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2009|11:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | poetic, obviously | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | lo-fi mixed playlist | ] |
TENSION:
We drink beer, avoid eye contact,
feel the tension building in the air.
We smoke cigarettes and look into the distance,
not a word spoken.
Into bed.
Lights off.
Hands on.
We fall alseep, sober up,
and awake to that same tension in the air.
We smoke cigarettes and look into the distance.
Not a word spoken...
Emma Couch, 24/11/09 |
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| IGNORE. |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|03:54 am] |
Just photos for someone from ebay to look at.
 |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|04:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | fucking upset | ] |
Mel and I spoke about the situation on the train last night.
She was still really pissed about everything, but I really didn't seem phased.
I agree we probably needed space, but I never imagined anything like this.
You created distance, more than I should have allowed, but I let it happen for you.
I thought it was what you wanted, what you really needed.
But I guess it was just a chance to fade away and hope we forgot about you.
I don't even know, I can't explain what happened because nothing ever did happen!
And you know what I am fucking pissed off about it because I really don't understand.
I tried to stop the inevitable and I failed miserably.
And the worst thing is you seriously don't realise how much you've hurt me.
I fucking miss you, but you can't even be bothered replying to an sms.
What the fuck did I do to make you hate me so much??
I wish things could go back to the way they were, but they can't, theres just no way they can.
And I sure as hell won't allow it, I'll make it as fucking awkward as possible for you.
I really don't care if you ever talk to me again, I can erase you if I have to.
I just hope you realise that this is your doing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|04:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the cramps. | ] |
Everytime I look at myself, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know whats going on anymore.
The people I used to think were there for me aren't, they're only even been there for themselves, leeching what they could from me.
I feel so utterly used, and lonely, and just so shit in general. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|01:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the hairdos | ] |
I've been trying to think of something positive to say here, but really theres nothing.
I've been feeling so emotionally numb lately and I just want it to stop.
I've got my exhibition on wednesday and I seriously don't even feel excited about it.
I kind of dont want to go.
I don't even want to go back to school next year.
I don't doubt my photographic abilities, but I doubt my commitment to the course.
I just feel so shit right now because in the back of my mind Im pretty sure I failed this years course because I haven't handed in many assignments.
What a fucking waste of my own time and money.
Yet again I fuck up another great opportunity.
What the fuck is wrong with me??!!
Oh and I didn't get that amazing room in that amazing house with those amazing people.
Now all I can think about is why they said no.
What did they hate about me?
And I still haven't heard back about my art studio and I've been really paranoid about it.
I keep thinking that they've just forgotten about me and given the studio to someone else.
I really need to go up there this week, but I'm gonna feel so lame and desperate rocking up there. But I am desperate, just for a mini home away from home.
All I just want is a week of no distruptions. No calls or sms, no mother constantly coming into my room to tell me things or ask for washing or to tell me to wake up or clean my room, no internet, no one to possibly talk to or communinicate with and no kitchen full of bad bad temptations.
Just some weed, cigarettes, art supplies, books, my vinyl collection, my bed and endless cups of tea.
How I fucking wish. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|09:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | really confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Frida ( yes, the one from ABBA) | ] |
I just spent the last 3 hours laying on my bed watching Daria and eating too much.
I now feel like shit, and super tired.
It feels weird not having to do anything.
Its times like these that I get super lazy/unmotivated and spend at least 50% of my time in bed.
And its times like these that I lay and think about too much, and feel as though my life is wasting away before my eyes and then I just wander wtf Im doing right in this very moment?
And things get all weird and I just start thinking that being alive is so pointless if all I do is just waste away and feel too weak and tired to move or do anything.
I don't feel sad, I just feel as though I'd probably just be better off dead.
Is this depression or am I just one lazy motherfucker who spends too much time in a fantasy world of her own and becomes dellusional?
I hate the word depression/depressed.
I really don't know.
But I do know that I am extremely sick of feeling feeling so happy one day and waking up and feeling the absolute opposite the next.
Fuck you brain. |
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| Please please please let everything work out perfectly. Pleaseeeeee. |
[Oct. 24th, 2009|10:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | every emotion possible | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | itunes is on random | ] |
I feel ill. I feel unmotivated. I feel stressed. I feel like crying. I feel like disappearing.
Im feeling every single emotion at once and my body/head doesn't know whats going on.
I don't even know whats going on.
So much is happening at once and Im just flipping out.
Im nervous about 3 main things.
-Folio review on tuesday.
-Getting my art studio organised/waiting to find out when I can move into it.
-Hearing from potential future housemates at the end of the week.
I want tuesday to go as well as my mid year review went, better even. Im scarred that all my thoughts and reasons for doing what I do will get jumbled in my head and I wont be able to get my ideas across the way I want them. I can't handle rejection or really harsh criticism. I know that I am definately not prepared enough so something will fuck up. Oh and I have alot of hw/assignments that are overdue. I dont want to fail.
Im scared that I'll move all my stuff into my studio and feel all motivated and sit down to do something and my brain will be blank and all creative juices stop flowing. I want to use this space wisely, especially cos Im the one who will be paying for it. Im just feeling nervous because I haven't heard back from them yet, but I think they'll call me on monday and let me know whats going on.
And finally I REALLY FUCKING WANT TO MOVE INTO THIS PLACE! Amazing people, amzing carefree lifestyle. I want to live with bike riding, dumpster diving, communial loving vegeterians. And I want to livein brunswick! This place is literally two blocks away from my art studio. The train station is across the road and savers is like a 5 min bike ride away. Its absolutely perfect but I really dont know what they thought of me. If I dont get a room I will actually cry. I just want her to think as highly of me as I do her. I want it so bad. I find out at the end of the week and it's pretty much the only thing on my mind.
If all these things go to plan then I will finally have the perfect life I've been dreaming of ever since I left school. I will finally be the person I want to be, I will be motivated, and all my depressive bullshit can be over and I will learn to love and accept myself.
FREEDOM AWAITS!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2009|04:36 pm] |
I don't worry about "the one" getting away.
I let them gat away years ago.
Oh well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2009|04:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | real snotty | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | triple j | ] |
Im so snotty grrrrrrr!
I have no sense of smell and I only just got my sense of tatse back (thank fuckkkkk!).
Hmmm i should have a shower now, Ive put it off for a few hours haha.
I was supposed to be scanning my negs during those few ours but ended up searching through polanoid and deviant art, ahhhh well.
Get to dress up as a pin up girl tonight.
Whoooo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|05:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | dreading school | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the slits | ] |
Photos for tegan to perv on ahahahaha.
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2009|09:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | obsessed! | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | radiohead | ] |
Hello me...
"The Year Of The Snake
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital relationship problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster."
Yeah so I've become wayyyyyy too obsessed with all things Alchemy today, not that it has anything to do with this.
The symbols fascinate me.
Tattoo's ahoyyyyyyyyyyy! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2009|03:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | audacity of huge | ] |
I've earnt over 12 grand in the last year, and what the fuck do I have to show for it??
Nothing.
Fuck that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|04:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | BJM | ] |
I think Im pushing my body to it's limit right now.
I just know something bad is going to happen if I don't stop.
Either my blood pressure has skyrocketed again or I'm asthmatic, either way something has changed in the last few weeks and Im having trouble breathing, and I feel so light headed all the time.
Light-headedness is at its worst when I jump out of bed to quickly.
Breathlessness is at its worst after I walk up a bunch of stairs.
I feel so fat and disgusting saying that, and I know that whoever I tell about it will take one look at me and say "Well maybe you should lose some weight?"
But Im pretty sure it's not weight induced because I haven't gained weight in ages.
Its purely too much beer & ciggs.
And this all started to happen a few days after that night of druggggged up dancing.
I seriously think I fucked my heart that night.
Fuck, I really have no self control... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|12:02 am] |
I just read this on someone's blog and thought it was amazing.
“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions & discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, & our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”
Charles Bukowski |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2009|11:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | fed up | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the rapture. | ] |
I've had a very up and down day and it's left me feeling quite drained.
School holidays suck because I get too much time to be left with my own head space.
I woke up early and even ate breakfast, which is very odd for me.
I felt so inspired when I woke up, the sun was shinning into my room, I was in a reorganising/cleaning mood and I was ecxieted to go to the Dali exhibition.
I started cleaning, then just spent an hour just sitting on my bed looking into nothing and my vup of tea went cold.
Then I decided to attepmt h/w, and failed miserably.
I wasted so much time just wandering/sitting/doing nothing that it ended up being too late to go to the Dali exhibition. I've put it off for way too long and Im really starting to frustrate myself.
I just feel as though Im not myself, like somethings crawled inside my head and taken over my every move/thought.
And I just constantly feel so drained... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|07:22 pm] |
I feel seedy as fuck.
Can't believe I threw up in the car!
And into a bottle, and on the side of the monash freeway. Twice!
Im soooooo gross sometimes.
And suprisingly this was the first time ive thrown up in a car, or had to make someone pull over on the side of the road so I can throw up.
My poor poor throat. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2009|03:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | real happy but jittery. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | black rebel motorcycle club | ] |
Dear LJ,
The most played song in my iTunes library is "One Beat" by Sleater-Kinney.
Cheerio.
p.s. Um I actually had heapsssss of fun at bang last night. Wtf?
And dancing at pony was orgasmic, apart from the creeps who kept circling me and inched closer and closer. |
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